I hate the feeling of waking up anxious. The pit in my stomach as my eyes open. Especially on the days when I don’t even know why I am feeling this way. It makes me feel like the day is going to be impossible to get through. The thought of getting up and doing everything I have to do is so overwhelming.
There have been times in my life when I have spent weeks or months waking up like this. The last time was when I was suffering from postpartum anxiety (link to that blog post here). I spent a good 3-4 months waking up this way. Every morning I would awake and feel so alone, sick and depressed. Thankfully it stopped happening on a daily basis and now it doesn’t happen to me that much. However, a few times this past week I woke up anxious and afraid.
When I don’t know why this is happening it makes it worse. If I am leaving to go on a trip, drive a far distance, go places and do something I have never done before then the morning anxiety is par for the course. I expect it. I know the anxiety will be with me all day until I conquer my fears. The day will still be hard but waking up like this doesn’t have me too concerned. I know it is temporary and as soon as the event is over I will start waking up without feeling anxious again.
When I wake up anxious out of the blue then I really start to worry. I am afraid I am about to go through another rough patch with my anxiety. How long will it last? Why is it here? What am I doing wrong? I know this past week I had a lot going on. I just got back from vacation and I had relatives in town. Plans were up in the air a lot. There was talk of doing some things that made me anxious. However, I have been doing so well with my anxiety lately. I wasn’t expecting to wake up with my anxiety so strong.
It’s also a reminder that I am still struggling with my anxiety. That I will always be struggling with it. That this is not the last time I will wake up like this. There will be plenty more mornings like this in my future. It can feel depressing but it always gets better when I get up and start moving.
I just keep moving and eventually I stop thinking about how anxious I am. I think having kids helps me. I don’t have a choice about getting up in the morning. My toddlers wake me up and I have to take care of them. My husband has already left for work so I have no choice but to get up and start getting them ready for the day.
Before I had kids it could be so easy to stay in bed and keep thinking all my anxious thoughts. I could even call out sick if I needed to. Now I don’t have that choice and I think it’s for the best. I get distracted focusing on them and my anxiety eases. No matter how painfully anxious I can feel when I wake up, I always get up, keep moving and get through the day.